And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
