not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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