i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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