Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
