I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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