I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
