Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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