Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
