Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
operation harelip BJ is a go
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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