good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
