I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
