So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
