I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
