He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
