you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just invented taco cereal.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
