You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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