Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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