I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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