Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
