So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
