My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
bring money and cleavage
I just found puke in my bra..
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
