I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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