I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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