dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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