Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
