and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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