wrigley field is MILF paradise
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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