there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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