I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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