I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
