I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!