You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
