My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
