Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
