What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
