I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
