Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
