vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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