I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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