she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
