the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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