I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So much Jack, so little girl.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
