Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
