Please, let me fuck your mom
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
