hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
