white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
