She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
