Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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