not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
