the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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