Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
