the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
