My friends, they love my intelligence
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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